[entry]
Apr. 23rd, 2026 04:51 pmso maybe i might stay in the area? but it's also my dream to live near the ocean...i've got until the end of the year to think this all over, at least
I don't know why people keep saying this in response to team losses. Nuggets lose Game 2 yesterday in a splendidly embarassing fashion. We were leading like 14 in the first quarter, lost the lead in the second but Jamal threw a half-court buzzer beater to tie us. Then we just kind of fell apart in the clutch, had baffling plays and rotations, whole works. Now everywhere I go online people are dooming about it. Downer day.
Anyway that's just a non-sequitur for the rest of this post, because I've been feeling more mouse than man recently. Personal doomerisms under the cut, here be dragons.
(It was like 4AM when I wrote the above)
Well, more bad news. Victor Wembanyama fell head-first on the court and was visibly unconscious for a few seconds. He definitely has a concussion and I wish him a good recovery. The Spurs also lost to the loathsome Blazers after this. Go Spurs Go!
In good news, I was pondering more on my dissociation and stint with DID/plurality communities, when I came across some more articles describing something like what I've been experiencing. I was very familiar with the ANP/EP framework (Apparently Normal Part / Emotional Part) with DID. This broadly describes the role parts play in systems. You have the ANP(s) who keeps things suppressed but functioning and EPs who struggle with trauma time, unhealthy coping mechanisms, the works.
But I've somehow missed Nijenhuis' framework of Ignorance, Fragility and Control. A redditor better explained it as Daily Life / Defensive / Autonomy action systems. So Ignorance would be parts that lack inner awareness while maintaining a functional outward appearance, like the ANP. Fragility is parts that hold defensive coping mechanisms against threats that were/are still present, like the EP.
But the most resonant with me is the concept of a Control or Autonomy part. Because yes, that is very much more in line with what my system is centered around. In my noggin, once you cut past the avoidancy, the pleasure-seeking, the desire to be normal, it really just seems like there's someone who wants control over their environment again. Something that has rarely if ever been afforded to me.
I like this article explaining Control-based systems, titled The Other Face of DID. I have read it before, but never really thought it strongly applied to myself because I feel rather lacking in control of my impulses. You would never see me turn to work as a relief mechanism, and I can't diet or exercise for shit. But everything else rings true. (side note: This blog is also a genuinely helpful and well-researched resource for people with trauma and dissociation)
So what's next in line? I feel like I don't have time to reflect on this further, because whatever happens, I have to somehow finish out my university year and graduate. The question remains: Am I a man or a mouse?
I got drunk again.
So... I'm living some of the weirdest days of my life rn. I'm balsically laid off my job, my employer said he don't want to see my face this week so I'm not making any money till I get back. Idk if I'm the problem or if it's the fact that the place is almost shutting down from crippling debt.
I'm searching for new jobs but I can't find one, guess I'll be unemployed forever. Anyways.
I've been struggling a bit lately regarding my psychiatric appointments. My psychiatrist just left me be so I had to restart my whole treatment, so I decided on my own I'd stop taking my meds. While I do not recommend anyone to do that, I still think it was right for me and the situation I was in. I was at the end of my treatment and getting off my meds, so by stopping I'm either no longer mentally ill or I've developed a new harmful strain of mental illness that I'll carry for the rest of my life.
That being said, I'm not an alcoholic (I can stop whenever I want ok?) I just made the habit of drinking at sundays... Today is not a sunday, but it's a holiday so it's basically sunday.
I'm eating fried chicken and I hate feeling my fingers greasy. Nasty. I'm not greasing my whole keyboard so I was sure to finish eating first before writing.
I have to stop defaulting to my self destructive behaviour every time things go wrong. It's beyond my control but I have to try a little harder. That said, I'm doing my best to finish my thesis and it's going great so far. That's my last year at college so I gotta do things right for once. I'm also working on a game that I hope I can finish this year.
Sorry for the messy post and messy life, I'm not pathetic off of the internet I swear. I just hope I can get back to writing soon because I've been so fucking busy with college stuff lately it's not even funny.
— 3 goals for the upcoming week
hello hello! I'm a little out of practice in writing. but as I seem to do.. coming back to writing in march. I get so twisted up about setting goals for the new year... its funny, in the last weekly reporter I talk about the first ever and it pretty much coincides with this week/this reporter.
I originally coded this back in january as a way to ease back into writing for reporter and encouraging some monthly reflection... but well then january turned into february into march and now here we are. I do think it is a little cuter as a quarterly recap but when you dont really do a good job setting goals for the year or the quarter its a bit hard to recap heh... well I'll get it all figured out. better to write something up than to keep dragging my feet writing nothing.
I'll keep most of the highlights for the monthly recaps down below.. there's so much to catch up on and to talk about I'm feeling a little overwhelmed!!
january rolled by very slowly.. I ended up going to a bodybuilding posing seminar and now I'm getting ready to compete in a bodybuilding show x_x CW: food / eating / food tracking
I have a coach and I'm tracking everything I put into my mouth... its been very fun! I have always been worried about the concept of tracking my calories as I was afraid of giving myself an eating disorder... but its more like a game I've found so far. which probably sounds insane but its fun to hit my goals. I'm following a macro plan so it's less restrictive- I can eat whatever as long as it fits in my macros. anyway. what I've found is that I'm making healthier choices and surprise! I'm feeling better too! woah... eating fruits and veggies and lean protein actually keeps you full... and you still look super jacked? crazy.
the same weekend I went to the bodybuilding event, there was an event in dallas that I desperately wanted to go to called sprinkle trinkle town- which was an art market/artist convention with a ton of artists I admire and like. mark my words- I Will Be Going To The Next Sprinkle Trinkle Town. and One Day. I Will Vendor At Sprinkle Trinkle Town. a recurring dream/goal/wish of mine is to make art and have my own studio and art business (ok actually this is like The Big Goal Ever For Me. (but I'm scared)) T-T which is a lot easier than I make it in my brain... In the Year 2026... I will start Making Art Consistently !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what else happened in january...? we got snowed in so I rewatched the witcher with my mom. #notmywitcher ....
classes started back up in january as well.. I have ~roughly a year left in my mba!! woah!!! crazy!!!
february was the month ever !!! I had two big events: valentines weekend and the concert double header weekend.
for valentines weekend, there was a love and deepspace valentines event! so I got in the car and drove down to dallas and had an AMAZING WEEKEND!!! they were looking for volunteers to run a little welcome table so I did that for the afternoon shift and it was so much fun!! I mean the event itself was also awesome- so much cute fanart and cute cosplays! they had a cute little cupsleeve event and a little valentines craft area. it was seriously wonderfully cute. I did a little closet cosplay based off of one of the MC's outfits and put together an itabag with the og3. i spent entirely too much on stickers and merch at this event LOL. I finally got some lads plushies!!! and a cute little zip-up lads hoodie that I've been wearing in the office while I play on my new pc~
since I was in dallas, I also stopped by microcenter because I made it a 2026 goal to finally build my pc! now I am a proud pc mama ! I had been planning to do this for like 5 ish years now so better late than never. I was also was afraid with the rising costs of ram I was never gonna be able to do it unless I bit the bullet- flashbacks to skipping on the cherry blossom ram in aug/sept because "it was too expensive for ram." X_x we arent going to talk about it. I need to come up with a name for my pc... and do a write up for pcpartspicker too... sigh. so many things to write up.....
at the end of the month, I pulled off the most party girl I've ever done. 3 flights for 2 different concerts in 1 weekend. bbno$ was playing in dallas on the 27th, so I left home and flew out to dallas. after a short nap, I got ready and spent the evening dancing to his ridiculous music. I didn't make any friends at this concert sadly so I went for a giant slice of pizza by myself afterward. after getting back to my hotel and going to bed at 1am, I turned around and took the hotel shuttle back to the airport at like 5 am.
for the second leg of this weekend, i flew out to st louis to see joey valence and brae again. this is the second half of their hyperyouth tour sponsored by monster. on their merch preview, they had this awesome zip-up hoodie with HOOLIGANG (their fanbase name and the name of one of their songs) on the front and their demonhead logo on the back. its so comfy and thick. its been my go to hoodie when I leave the house. I did make a friend at this concert and e was super cool !!! we managed to get our way to like the second row to barricade!!! for the show, JVB has like this list of rules: dance, make/bring a friend, wear a cool outfit, etc. its so fun for the fan culture. they also take pictures of their fans at every show and post them to @jvbhooligang on insta !!! so... you can see my outfit it was so hard to get the X and the swirl with the gemstones BUT they stayed in place all night despite me being SUPER SWEATY.
BUUUT the highlight of the st louis trip was I got to see my best friend j!!!!!! we've been friends forever so they picked me up from the airport and we got to spend the day hanging out before the concert. we hung around in this cute little historic downtown area. we started at a lovely little cafe and had matchas.. then we went to this cute little bookstore and stopped in a bunch of different shops. we rounded out it out by stopping in a cat cafe and playing with a bunch of cute cats!!! then we went to lunch, checked into the hotel and I got ready for my concert. j didnt want to go (since JVB is pretty rowdy LOL) so they got to spend some time with family in STL. after the show, I chattered at them before we went to bed. the next morning they dropped me off at the airport and I went home.
and while all I wanted to do was lay down and crash... I got roped into going out to lunch and then dinner LOL. I called into work the next day and slept like all day to recover.
march has flown by so far. I have spring break next week... I went to a prospective students event and need to get my app in for law school... it feels good so far. my big goal for this month was to actually recap and write up this reporter so... goal achieved!!! yay!!!
currently, I'm helping my dad update my brother's old room into my new room. we scrapped the popcorn ceiling today and I think we are going to primer and paint it next weekend. dad also talked about ripping out the carpet in there and put down vinyl. we are also changing out the light fixture. and it makes me wanna remodel my own house even more.. its hard work but its fun too.
I have a lot of work to do going forward... but I'm on the cusp of some exciting stuff!!!
I do sometimes feel I am too narrow-minded in my fandoms, because except for yarncrafts and Final Fantasy, I don't really venture out of those areas? I keep saying I'm going to play more single-player games on my own, but it's so EASY to default to FFXI or FFXIV or replay a comforting game. Earlier this year I was playing Epistory (Typing adventures!) which I was enjoying, and I don't think I have much more left so I should probably finish that. I also played about two hours of Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 and immediately was interested... but the activation energy to do something new to me is hard to find. So easy to just... not do it.
I have been stressed and ailing for the past week or so, so I'm looking forward to the playoffs starting in a few hours. The Play-In tournament was interesting but ended anti-climatically, so not much to say on that. Probably doesn't help that I have a bone to pick with like 6 of the 8 teams and bland neutrality to the rest. It is pretty funny that after the Hornets were looking to be a playoffs dark horse they got swept miserably by the much-maligned Magic.
With the playoffs teams in place, I took out my Oriens Animal tarot deck and got to work determing the outcome of the first round of the NBA playoffs. While consulting the mini guidebook I opened the last page and saw that the artist is actually Malaysian like me, something which has seemingly escaped my notice until now. A pleasant surprise.
Without further ado, I present my findings.
I will draw 8 cards for the 8 teams in a conference in order of seeding, placing them side to side in their respective matchups. The Eastern and Western conferences shouldn't share the same card pool, so I will first read for the West before reshuffling and reading for the East.
| Card | Win | In | Lose | Card |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 7 of Swords | OKC | 5 | Suns | 2 of Pentacles |
| King of Wands | Spurs | 4 | Blazers | 8 of Cups |
| 9 of Wands | Nuggets | 5? | Wolves | 8 of Pentacles |
| Knight of Swords | Rockets | 4 | Lakers | Judgement |
( Full breakdown )
With all the results in a table, it is quite interesting that the losing side have Pentacles/Cups and even numbers, while the winning side has Swords/Wands and odd numbers. We'll see if this trend stays.
| Card | Win | In | Lose | Card | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wheel of Fortune | Pistons | 5 | Magic | Ace of Wands | |
| 9 of Swords | Celtics | 6 | 76ers | 2 of Swords | |
| 3 of Cups | Knicks | 6 | Hawks | 3 of Pentacles | |
| High Priestess | Raptors | 7 | Cavs | 10 of Swords |
( Full breakdown )
Unlike the western conference, there are no obvious patterns here. The presence of 2 major arcana may hint to some major developments, I suppose.
I will wake up in some 4 hours for Game 1 of Nuggets-Timberwolves. Good night!
EDIT: AND THE NUGGETS TAKE GAME 1. Scary first quarter but we won by 11. Suck it timberpups!! (Rudy Gobert is a terrorist)









