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Welcome to my journal, where this is my first attempt at a sticky post.
Note: Sadly, I had to rewrite most of this because most of what I wrote previously was deleted. I didn't have much energy left at that point but tried my best to piece what I had left together and write something that makes sense. Hopefully it does.
I'm Nyx (or Nix, depending on how you feel like spelling it). I'm 29 and primarily use "they/them" pronouns, but any pronouns are also fine. I am a queer and disabled streamer/VTuber and hope to one day be able to call myself a musician and writer without hesitation.Welcome to my journal, where this is my first attempt at a sticky post.
I'm Nyx (or Nix, depending on how you feel like spelling it). I'm 29 and primarily use "they/them" pronouns, but any pronouns are also fine. I am a queer and disabled streamer/VTuber and hope to one day be able to call myself a musician and writer without hesitation.
My interests include music, singing, video games (of many genres), writing, alt fashion, psychology (and the politics that come with it), and mental health. Recently, I started learning the piano and bass, which I'm hoping will be more enjoyable once I've had enough practice to be more creative with them. Oh, and I used to take voice lessons and get creative mentoring from the singer from a band I like, but that's on hold until I figure out how to deal with related anxiety.
Related to these interests, I have a lot of goals that cycle in and out of my life, an important one being forming a band. (Ideally, I'll be able to think about more specific goals once I've reached that one.) That's something I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember but haven't been able to work toward until recently. Right now, two major roadblocks are anxiety related to expressing myself and anhedonia. I've pushed past every other hurdle I've had so far, even though it did take time, so I hope I can make it past this one, too.
Less importantly, it would also be nice to see what I can accomplish with streaming, content creation, and VTubing. I know this is extremely unlikely, and I would be surprised if it does happen, but I would love to make near a minimum wage income from it, especially since being disabled makes working complicated. I would love to add to my partner's income, even if it's just to feel like I can.
Speaking of disabilities, I thought I'd go a little into mine. The main reason (I can think of) I want to be open about my disabilities is because 1) it helps me to see or connect (in one way or another) with other people who are open about them. (And before I mention any diagnoses, please remember that some illnesses commonly come with a lot of comorbidities, and many illnesses are not as rare as people think they are.)
My primary physical diagnoses include narcolepsy (not 100% sure which type); MCAS, h-EDS, and POTS, which are thought to be connected; and tethered cord syndrome, which is often considered connected to the previous three illnesses and, for me, causes neurogenic bladder. There might also be some other important diagnoses that I'm forgetting. I think what impacts me most in this list is a mix of the narcolepsy (mainly the sleepiness and falling asleep) and whatever causes my fatigue and flu-/cold-like symptoms, which could be several things.
My mental health is complicated, and many professionals I've been to haven't been the types to look that much into diagnoses, which I think is understandable. Overall, I question the psychiatric system quite a bit but often see benefits in diagnoses, one reason being because that's how we communicate mental disability. Because I haven't really been evaluated, these are some of the main brain symptoms I've struggled with over the years: depression, anxiety (mostly social and relational), paranoia, hallucinations, cognitive dysfunction, multiple "negative symptoms," problems with speaking (some but not all of which can be related to social anxiety), overwhelm over simple tasks, social avoidance and self isolation, constant dissociation, and a lot more but this is getting long. I find that schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type) covers a lot of my history with less diagnoses, but I haven't been evaluated (not that I think it really matters because of the inconsistency of psychiatric diagnoses, but I won't go into that). I also seemed to score high on every area of the SCID-D (a well-known dissociative disorder diagnostic tool), with dissociative amnesia probably affecting me the most.
Note: Speaking of dissociation, I seem to have "parts" of some sort. (That's the terminology I'm using for now because I don't want to use complex dissociative disorder language when I'm not sure if I have a CDD.) Sometimes there are disagreements on things, such as what we post on shared accounts. Sometimes I'll panic when I find a post it seems another part has made and delete it, but I'm trying to give all of them more of a voice as long as they don't post anything problematic. I'm thinking about attempting to get each part to use a specific tag when they post to keep things organized.
There's one more thing I'd like to mention: I am white and TME, along with having other privleges. I know it's probably difficult to point out harm someone has made, so I never expect that and will work on bettering myself and look out for any harm I might've caused. However, I'd be grateful to anyone who takes the time, energy, etc., to point out any mistakes I've made or harm I've done.
Street Fighter 6 Tournament: Day 5
Aug. 6th, 2026 11:47 amMy brother is holding a casual Street Fighter 6 tournament for people who are new to fighting games. I don't think I have any real experience with fighting games, meaning I'm probably at a disadvantage, but I decided to participate because I thought it could be fun.
My brother gave us a week to practice and prepare for the tournament. It's currrently the fifth day in. I think I made the most progress the second or third day. Now it's starting to stagnate a bit.
Because he really seems to want us to participate and give into fighting games, my brother offered first, second, and third place prizes. The second-place prize is his old hitbox controller, which would be cool to get. But it also would be cool to pick one out myself, so I don't know what I want in the end.
Anyway, I never thought I was a fan of fighting games, but I'm finding SF6 to be surprisingly fun. In fact, it's hard to stop myself from playing it. The prize of a hitbox controller sounds nice, too, because using the keyboard doesn't feel intuitive to me (even though I mostly play games on the PC with mouse and keyboard), and the Playstation controllers we have require pressing too hard to use the D-pad. I think it contributes to my hands hurting. (The other reason for that I can think of is me getting really stressed while playing and gripping my controller too tight.)
On day two or three, I started playing ranked (something I was terrified of doing), and surprisingly got to rank Gold 1 on the PS5. I'm currently on Silver 5 on PC and have stopped going up in rank despite playing a lot since then. I think I need to incorperate something new into my practice because pressing the same things isn't helping me get anywhere anymore. I think, in the past, I needed to get used to instinctually using some basic combos, but now I can do that pretty easily and need to move onto learning more difficult moves and combos for more specific situations.
So yeah. That's how my SF6 training arc is going so far. I'm using modern controls, but my brother taught me some classic control moves last night. It looks like I'm going to have to remember how to use them today becasue I can't seem to remember a thing currently.
My brother gave us a week to practice and prepare for the tournament. It's currrently the fifth day in. I think I made the most progress the second or third day. Now it's starting to stagnate a bit.
Because he really seems to want us to participate and give into fighting games, my brother offered first, second, and third place prizes. The second-place prize is his old hitbox controller, which would be cool to get. But it also would be cool to pick one out myself, so I don't know what I want in the end.
Anyway, I never thought I was a fan of fighting games, but I'm finding SF6 to be surprisingly fun. In fact, it's hard to stop myself from playing it. The prize of a hitbox controller sounds nice, too, because using the keyboard doesn't feel intuitive to me (even though I mostly play games on the PC with mouse and keyboard), and the Playstation controllers we have require pressing too hard to use the D-pad. I think it contributes to my hands hurting. (The other reason for that I can think of is me getting really stressed while playing and gripping my controller too tight.)
On day two or three, I started playing ranked (something I was terrified of doing), and surprisingly got to rank Gold 1 on the PS5. I'm currently on Silver 5 on PC and have stopped going up in rank despite playing a lot since then. I think I need to incorperate something new into my practice because pressing the same things isn't helping me get anywhere anymore. I think, in the past, I needed to get used to instinctually using some basic combos, but now I can do that pretty easily and need to move onto learning more difficult moves and combos for more specific situations.
So yeah. That's how my SF6 training arc is going so far. I'm using modern controls, but my brother taught me some classic control moves last night. It looks like I'm going to have to remember how to use them today becasue I can't seem to remember a thing currently.
Writing Plans
Aug. 1st, 2026 06:00 pmSo I'm thinking about making a writing tag on here for little drafts I've written or beginnings to pieces I might later edit and post somewhere else. Actaully, maybe I'll have a few writing tags for a few different steps. I'll list them below:
So yeah. We'll see how it goes. I already have trouble remembering to use or check this site but I thought I'd make this post to at least help me remember things for when I (hopefully) eventually do try this.
- writing: ideas
- writing: dump
- writing: draft
- writing: finished
So yeah. We'll see how it goes. I already have trouble remembering to use or check this site but I thought I'd make this post to at least help me remember things for when I (hopefully) eventually do try this.
New Keyboard!
May. 11th, 2026 10:05 amI got a new keyboard and am very excited to be using it. It's surprisingly heavy, and I thought my last keyboard was heavy.
Some General April Updates
Apr. 29th, 2026 05:07 pmI'm going to try to sum up some updates I currently remember so they exist somewhere.
Quick Updates
Quick Updates
- I'll be getting my own hearing aids on May 19, which is also my partner's birthday, so double celebration.
- Things with my new therapist have been... mixed. I might make a longer restricted post going into more detail.
- I've been playing a lot of Overwatch and Enshrouded lately. Enshrouded has been surprisingly hard to put down.
- I've been further discovering things about myself that I might go further into in a restricted access post.
- I've been trying to find ways to be more productive despite my limitations. I've been checking out this person's YouTube channel and Notion templates, which I've been finding helpful in shifting my viewpoint of my disability-related limitations. Maybe I'll make a longer post on that, too.
- Oh, and I've been thinking about attending the local university again. Recently before I quit, I was struggling with taking one class at a time but had almost finished my degree. Maybe now I'll be able to finish it. Who knows. Or maybe it's been so long that I have to retake some classes. I'm pretty sure that's the case for at least one class. *Sigh.* Oh well.
An Update from April 2026
Apr. 8th, 2026 06:51 pmCW: pretty negative.
I was going to be here more actively and respond to stuff, but my mental health has been awful since lowering my Vyvanse. I don't think withdrawals are the reason anymore. I don't know. I've been feeling like I'm barely holding on.
I was going to be here more actively and respond to stuff, but my mental health has been awful since lowering my Vyvanse. I don't think withdrawals are the reason anymore. I don't know. I've been feeling like I'm barely holding on.
Thinking About Returning
Apr. 4th, 2026 05:43 amI'm thinking about returning to this site (again), and I have a question for those I'm mutually subscribed to: would you mind if I commented a little "❤︎" on posts I read if I can't come up with a comment? I know commenting is kind of important on this site, and I want to still try to do it, but I also wanted a way to let people know I'm reading their posts just in case I don't have anything to add for a while. Of course, I'd still try my best to comment actual words. Let me know your thoughts if you'd like!
Twitch Charity Raid Train
Nov. 18th, 2025 09:22 pmI don't think I have much energy to journal tonight, but I wanted to quickly talk about this charity raid train I paricipated in. I was very nervous days leading up to it (and during it), but I think it actually turned out pretty well! If you don't know how raid trains work, basically one person goes live and then picks another person who is streaming to "raid" into or send their viewers to watch. This raid train went on for several days. I don't want to specifiy anything else about it, however, because I don't want this account connected to my VTuber account in any way, at least not right now.
Anyway, the raid train went surprisingly well, even on my end, despite me having to take a break partway through to calm my nerves. People were surprisingly supportive overall! During my streamalone, we raised around $100 (I forgot the exact amount), and over the entire charity raid train, over $1,000 was raised. Someone surprisingly also gifted 10 subs to my viewers, which I honestly felt a liiiiiiittle uncertain about during a stream where we were supposed to raise money for charity, but I'm grateful all the same.
Anyway, the raid train went surprisingly well, even on my end, despite me having to take a break partway through to calm my nerves. People were surprisingly supportive overall! During my streamalone, we raised around $100 (I forgot the exact amount), and over the entire charity raid train, over $1,000 was raised. Someone surprisingly also gifted 10 subs to my viewers, which I honestly felt a liiiiiiittle uncertain about during a stream where we were supposed to raise money for charity, but I'm grateful all the same.
Sorry I haven't been around here much. I honestly keep forgetting this website exists.
Yesterday, I had my appointment with a hearing doctor. I came in with complaints related to processing language/speech, thinking it might be hearing loss (even though I've had these struggles back when I had a past hearing test, and my hearing was fine) or (more likely) auditory processing problems. When I talked about my experiences with hearing/processing, the doctor brought up auditory processing issues pretty quickly and said the first step to getting that diagnosed was to have an updated hearing test.
So I got the hearing test done. It was honestly pretty stressful to me because some of the tones I had to identify were barely hearable and had me wondering if I imagined them. As someone with a history of auditory hallucinations and illusions, I really didn't trust myself, and I was afraid the doctor would basically just tell me I was pressing the button when there wasn't even a noise. (For anyone who hasn't had this type of hearing test, you press a button every time you hear a tone.)
Everything ended up turning out okay. I actually pressed the button pretty consistently, despite my worries. My results were within normal ranges, too, so the doctor referred me to someone who does auditory processing testing. Sadly, even though we called them right away, I won't have my appointment until March 4. It's progress, though!
While my partner and I were there, we asked about what was usually done to help with auditory processing issues. She said the most common thing was hearing aids set to specific settings to help you differentiate background noise from more important sounds. So now I'm excited for hearing aids, or whatever might end up helping, because whatver I'm struggling with is highly disabling. For example, when I'm in a group conversation in public, and everyone else seems to be conversing fine, I hear about 35%-5% of the words said, depending on a few factors. Basically, it sounds like people are speaking another language except for the rare word I understand. It's really frustrating!! I basically can't participate in group conversations at all. Even when I'm in a group call, I have to focus really hard after the first 10 minutes to understand anything that's being said.
Anyway! Progress is being made, and I'm happy about that.
Yesterday, I had my appointment with a hearing doctor. I came in with complaints related to processing language/speech, thinking it might be hearing loss (even though I've had these struggles back when I had a past hearing test, and my hearing was fine) or (more likely) auditory processing problems. When I talked about my experiences with hearing/processing, the doctor brought up auditory processing issues pretty quickly and said the first step to getting that diagnosed was to have an updated hearing test.
So I got the hearing test done. It was honestly pretty stressful to me because some of the tones I had to identify were barely hearable and had me wondering if I imagined them. As someone with a history of auditory hallucinations and illusions, I really didn't trust myself, and I was afraid the doctor would basically just tell me I was pressing the button when there wasn't even a noise. (For anyone who hasn't had this type of hearing test, you press a button every time you hear a tone.)
Everything ended up turning out okay. I actually pressed the button pretty consistently, despite my worries. My results were within normal ranges, too, so the doctor referred me to someone who does auditory processing testing. Sadly, even though we called them right away, I won't have my appointment until March 4. It's progress, though!
While my partner and I were there, we asked about what was usually done to help with auditory processing issues. She said the most common thing was hearing aids set to specific settings to help you differentiate background noise from more important sounds. So now I'm excited for hearing aids, or whatever might end up helping, because whatver I'm struggling with is highly disabling. For example, when I'm in a group conversation in public, and everyone else seems to be conversing fine, I hear about 35%-5% of the words said, depending on a few factors. Basically, it sounds like people are speaking another language except for the rare word I understand. It's really frustrating!! I basically can't participate in group conversations at all. Even when I'm in a group call, I have to focus really hard after the first 10 minutes to understand anything that's being said.
Anyway! Progress is being made, and I'm happy about that.
October 19, 2025
Oct. 19th, 2025 10:27 pmOkay, I haven't really been around much lately, but I'm hoping to catch up on some of the newer things on my reading page tonight.
Truth is- I've been playing a lot of Blue Protocol: Star Resonance and haven't done much else. I'm pretty sure it's sparked some kind of urge to play MMORPGs in general because I've been looking for new MMORPGs to play as well. If anyone has any suggestions, please tell me just in case I haven't tried it yet!
I also saw my mom and brother today, which I don't think I'll talk about in this post.
News on the narcolepsy med I've been waiting for
Another thing: being tired sucks. I'm still waiting for the new narcolepsy medication my doctor prescribed over a month ago (Wakix). Turns out the reason it wasn't showing up in my Walgreens account was because it requires a "specialty pharmacy" or something. I left a message for my doctor about this, and she recently (as in a few days ago) sent the prescription to CVS, which is apparently allowed to ship out the medication. So hopefully I'll be getting it soon?
It's also possible insurance won't pay for it because I was taking medications during the sleep study for my narcolepsy diagnosis years ago. Apparently, the naroclepsy test has a history of changing rules around whether or not you can take medication during the test, and right now, my test might not be seen as accurate because I was on certain meds (mostly mental health meds I think) when I had it done. I would retake the test, but I'm on a lot of meds that would be really hard to come off of for a few weeks before the test. My doctor said I have symptom patterns of type 1 narcolepsy (which I'm questioning), and that research shows treatment for narcolepsy and different types of hypersomnia are basically the same anyway, whether certain medications are officially supposed to treat both or not. So my doctor is trying to get me Wakix (because other meds either haven't worked or have had bad side effects), even though it's not a simple process for me. I like how much it feels like she's on my side in relation to my treatment.
Truth is- I've been playing a lot of Blue Protocol: Star Resonance and haven't done much else. I'm pretty sure it's sparked some kind of urge to play MMORPGs in general because I've been looking for new MMORPGs to play as well. If anyone has any suggestions, please tell me just in case I haven't tried it yet!
I also saw my mom and brother today, which I don't think I'll talk about in this post.
News on the narcolepsy med I've been waiting for
Another thing: being tired sucks. I'm still waiting for the new narcolepsy medication my doctor prescribed over a month ago (Wakix). Turns out the reason it wasn't showing up in my Walgreens account was because it requires a "specialty pharmacy" or something. I left a message for my doctor about this, and she recently (as in a few days ago) sent the prescription to CVS, which is apparently allowed to ship out the medication. So hopefully I'll be getting it soon?
It's also possible insurance won't pay for it because I was taking medications during the sleep study for my narcolepsy diagnosis years ago. Apparently, the naroclepsy test has a history of changing rules around whether or not you can take medication during the test, and right now, my test might not be seen as accurate because I was on certain meds (mostly mental health meds I think) when I had it done. I would retake the test, but I'm on a lot of meds that would be really hard to come off of for a few weeks before the test. My doctor said I have symptom patterns of type 1 narcolepsy (which I'm questioning), and that research shows treatment for narcolepsy and different types of hypersomnia are basically the same anyway, whether certain medications are officially supposed to treat both or not. So my doctor is trying to get me Wakix (because other meds either haven't worked or have had bad side effects), even though it's not a simple process for me. I like how much it feels like she's on my side in relation to my treatment.
October 06, 2025
Oct. 6th, 2025 04:11 pmHi! Planning to catch up on this website again soon. Also, thanks for the comments on my last post. I'm hoping to get back to those soon as well.
I think I've realized something: I've been approaching burnout when it comes to streaming. That's probably why it's so hard to even think about anything related to it. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I have started playing The Sims 4 again recently, where I recreated my partner and I in a Sims game for the first time that I remember. My sim has been working on the streaming career, and something about taking a step back for a while plus working toward the streaming career in the game might've helped somehow. (Maybe burnout wasn't 100% the problem?)
My mood has also been weird lately, which doesn't feel completely random becuase a few things have changed. I tried Adderall again instead of Vyvanse, and started this supplement protocol for mental health. (My partner did some research at time point, and this protocal was on our list of things to try. I'm pretty sure my mom had me try something similar with supplements as a kid, as she had me try so many things for my health whether I wanted to try them or not, but I don't remember how that went, probably because it was such a low time of my life.) I guess I just need to figure out what's affecting my mood. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow just in case that helps.
I also have to go to the gym tonight, which I'm dreading, probably partially because I'm depressed. I don't think I'm too depressed to go, though. Hopefully I'm not.
That's all I think I have for now.
I think I've realized something: I've been approaching burnout when it comes to streaming. That's probably why it's so hard to even think about anything related to it. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I have started playing The Sims 4 again recently, where I recreated my partner and I in a Sims game for the first time that I remember. My sim has been working on the streaming career, and something about taking a step back for a while plus working toward the streaming career in the game might've helped somehow. (Maybe burnout wasn't 100% the problem?)
My mood has also been weird lately, which doesn't feel completely random becuase a few things have changed. I tried Adderall again instead of Vyvanse, and started this supplement protocol for mental health. (My partner did some research at time point, and this protocal was on our list of things to try. I'm pretty sure my mom had me try something similar with supplements as a kid, as she had me try so many things for my health whether I wanted to try them or not, but I don't remember how that went, probably because it was such a low time of my life.) I guess I just need to figure out what's affecting my mood. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow just in case that helps.
I also have to go to the gym tonight, which I'm dreading, probably partially because I'm depressed. I don't think I'm too depressed to go, though. Hopefully I'm not.
That's all I think I have for now.
It Seems to be October
Oct. 1st, 2025 04:59 pmI've been trying to keep up with everyone's entries, but I've also been a bit unmotivated and busy lately, and the probable dyslexia probably isn't helping either. So yeah, I'm a bit behind at the moment. I need to start using Speechify on this website. Anyway, here are some updates on everything.
The gym and leg pain
My partner and I have started going to the gym again recently. (We had stopped for a bit around when we had to go on a trip to attend a wedding.) I've noticed that, when I went two days ago, while my foot pain is better after getting shoe inserts, I'm still getting a lot of unpredictable pain in my shins(?) when I walk. It gets kind of bad and is honestly really annoying. Maybe I should go to someone to get that checked out? It's been getting worse over the years, and I used to not experience it at all. I feel like I need to do something about it if I'm going to keep working out, especially because it is getting worse.
Tonight's plans
Tonight, my partner and I are planning to go to the gym (probably in a few minutes since it just turned 5PM), go eat out at a restaurant, and then see the new Demon Slayer movie. I've been putting off seeing the movie because I want to see it at the best time possible. (I think me being more depressed lately hasn't been helping this. I keep thinking I want to see it when I'm actually doing well so I can take it all in if that even makes sense.) Well, now it might be near the end of when we can see it in the theater, so might as well just do it. I'm actually going to do makeup tonight, which I don't do much anymore because it takes up so much time and energy. But it's nice to wear something nice and do makeup every once in a while, and I think this is a good opportunity.
Next week
I really need to get into the habit of doing voice practice again starting tomorrow. And next weekend my partner and I are going to the yearly Balloon Fiesta, which means waking up at like 2 or 3AM to get ready and then taking the bus at around 4AM to get there in time. It's annoying but worth it, probably because it's nice to get out of the apartment and do something different. You definitely don't physically surround yourself with balloons every day.
The gym and leg pain
My partner and I have started going to the gym again recently. (We had stopped for a bit around when we had to go on a trip to attend a wedding.) I've noticed that, when I went two days ago, while my foot pain is better after getting shoe inserts, I'm still getting a lot of unpredictable pain in my shins(?) when I walk. It gets kind of bad and is honestly really annoying. Maybe I should go to someone to get that checked out? It's been getting worse over the years, and I used to not experience it at all. I feel like I need to do something about it if I'm going to keep working out, especially because it is getting worse.
Tonight's plans
Tonight, my partner and I are planning to go to the gym (probably in a few minutes since it just turned 5PM), go eat out at a restaurant, and then see the new Demon Slayer movie. I've been putting off seeing the movie because I want to see it at the best time possible. (I think me being more depressed lately hasn't been helping this. I keep thinking I want to see it when I'm actually doing well so I can take it all in if that even makes sense.) Well, now it might be near the end of when we can see it in the theater, so might as well just do it. I'm actually going to do makeup tonight, which I don't do much anymore because it takes up so much time and energy. But it's nice to wear something nice and do makeup every once in a while, and I think this is a good opportunity.
Next week
I really need to get into the habit of doing voice practice again starting tomorrow. And next weekend my partner and I are going to the yearly Balloon Fiesta, which means waking up at like 2 or 3AM to get ready and then taking the bus at around 4AM to get there in time. It's annoying but worth it, probably because it's nice to get out of the apartment and do something different. You definitely don't physically surround yourself with balloons every day.
Some Notes From Voice Lessons #4(?)
Sep. 24th, 2025 12:31 pmVoice lessons went well again! For those who don't know, I'm taking voice lessons from the singer of a band I like, which I'm extremely grateful to be able to do. Today we finished up the last song she assigned me, Slow Disco by St. Vincent, did a few exercises, and talked about finding ways to enjoy my practice more and how important that is.
First, we started with the stretch and relaxation routine, which we do at the beginning of lessons (and practice). She introduced a few new stretches to do, such as opening your chest toward the sky and rounding your upper back a little. Then we talked about how it's important to enjoy your practice and kind of have it as a safe refuge to go to, which has been difficult for me lately. Honestly, practice has been stressing me out more and more with time, which is something I really need to work on improving. We then opened the book she asked me to get, The Sight-Singer (volume 1) by Audrey Snyder, and did some rhythm exercises with a shaker (or, in my case, a spice bottle). And in the end, I showed her my progress on Slow Disco, to which she said I was doing well and that the main thing I need to work on (again) is rhythm. So more rhythm exercises for me I guess!
Homework:
1) Work on finding ways to enjoy my practice more.
2) Repeat the warmup/stretches we did in the lesson.
3) Practice shaking the shaker and stomping your foot to a 70 BPM metronome. (I'll admit--this sounds really boring.)
4) Maybe practice solfege.
5) Experiment with exercises in book (around pages 8-11) with a drone and notice what feels easier and what feels more difficult.
6) Practice Shut Up Kiss Me by Angel Olsen with a shaker and stomping your foot. Start with the shaker and stomping your foot, and when that becomes a little easier, add in singing.
First, we started with the stretch and relaxation routine, which we do at the beginning of lessons (and practice). She introduced a few new stretches to do, such as opening your chest toward the sky and rounding your upper back a little. Then we talked about how it's important to enjoy your practice and kind of have it as a safe refuge to go to, which has been difficult for me lately. Honestly, practice has been stressing me out more and more with time, which is something I really need to work on improving. We then opened the book she asked me to get, The Sight-Singer (volume 1) by Audrey Snyder, and did some rhythm exercises with a shaker (or, in my case, a spice bottle). And in the end, I showed her my progress on Slow Disco, to which she said I was doing well and that the main thing I need to work on (again) is rhythm. So more rhythm exercises for me I guess!
Homework:
1) Work on finding ways to enjoy my practice more.
2) Repeat the warmup/stretches we did in the lesson.
3) Practice shaking the shaker and stomping your foot to a 70 BPM metronome. (I'll admit--this sounds really boring.)
4) Maybe practice solfege.
5) Experiment with exercises in book (around pages 8-11) with a drone and notice what feels easier and what feels more difficult.
6) Practice Shut Up Kiss Me by Angel Olsen with a shaker and stomping your foot. Start with the shaker and stomping your foot, and when that becomes a little easier, add in singing.
CW: This post might be kind of negative.
I don't remember much of today.
I streamed some, but not for long. Michael and I rode around in the car for a bit, and for maybe 20 minutes, I thought maybe I'd be able to write some lyrics, but that fell through, too. Now I'm just sitting here feeling lethargic, uncertain of what I have the energy and willpower to do at this point.
It's 9:21PM. There isn't much time left in the day. I can't keep letting every day end like this.
I brought up the idea of going on a road trip to Michael. It'd be nice to go somewhere before it gets cold if possible. I think it would help inspire me creatively. They also seemed to like the idea and said it's probably doable, so maybe that's something I can look forward to.
I don't remember much of today.
I streamed some, but not for long. Michael and I rode around in the car for a bit, and for maybe 20 minutes, I thought maybe I'd be able to write some lyrics, but that fell through, too. Now I'm just sitting here feeling lethargic, uncertain of what I have the energy and willpower to do at this point.
It's 9:21PM. There isn't much time left in the day. I can't keep letting every day end like this.
I brought up the idea of going on a road trip to Michael. It'd be nice to go somewhere before it gets cold if possible. I think it would help inspire me creatively. They also seemed to like the idea and said it's probably doable, so maybe that's something I can look forward to.
Formal Dress Shopping
Sep. 15th, 2025 06:11 pmI went formal dress shopping (again) today. It didn't go well (again), and I think I'm running out of options for what I can get before the wedding I'm going to. Oh well. I'm going to try not to think about it anymore today.
I'm also supposed to go to the gym today, but I don't know if I'll feel up to it at this point.
I'm also supposed to go to the gym today, but I don't know if I'll feel up to it at this point.
I just got back from my IOP individual therapy. I sat by the building for an hour before my appointment because Michael had to drop me off early, and I had to walk and take the bus home by myself after. I don't think I feel quite proud of myself, but I'll admit that I do feel a little accomplished. That and like I still have a full day ahead of me, which is nice. Time doesn't feel wasted yet.
By the way, here's a quick health update:
I've been getting palpitations pretty consistently (like every 1-5 minutes) but also on-and-off for the past few days. It's hard to explain. When I asked online, some people said maybe I should check in with a medical professional. However, I'm not ready to go in there, have normal test results, and be treated weirdly because of it. I'd rather just not go at all, but at the same time, I don't want to regret anything.
By the way, here's a quick health update:
I've been getting palpitations pretty consistently (like every 1-5 minutes) but also on-and-off for the past few days. It's hard to explain. When I asked online, some people said maybe I should check in with a medical professional. However, I'm not ready to go in there, have normal test results, and be treated weirdly because of it. I'd rather just not go at all, but at the same time, I don't want to regret anything.
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